I just finished a bottle of wine, I’m still sane. I’m just thinking, thought it was going to make me feel better. But only made things clearer. I have lost, I have fought, and I have survived. I have being confused, I have loved, I’ve been hurt a lot but I still didn’t stop believing. At some point I felt I have no match I’m just one individual different person. So what?
I have scars, some you can see. Some you can’t. I let people in, I shut some people out. But there is something that we all struggle with sometimes, the fear of the unknown. What is tomorrow like? Can you keep pushing? Can you be a better person? In time all that answers itself. I lay on my sofa and I think, why do we dwell in our own sorrows.
Many people thinks it’s stupid to quit my massage job and be a caregiver, but I think its my own way of smiling after the sunsets. Agh! That beautiful view, you know at 4’O clock when your carpet is warm but cool. Damn I love the sunset!
I love every oppurnity to.help, because i have learnt that people leave whether you like it or not. So why not do it, and not live with regrets. Being a care giver is my own way of making a mark. My own way of feeling alive, useful. My own way of making a difference. What’s yours? It could be anything, it could be paying someone’s cab fare when they never expected it, or telling someone how beautiful they look today. Or what you admire about them. You could save a life without knowing. If you ever have a chance to help someone. Help! You don’t need to know them. You don’t need to get anything physical in return. You don’t need to over think about whether or not they really need help. You can’t say, you honestly can’t say, if you had the chance to help someone and because of your fear of being cheated or wanting something back, you don’t help you’ve wasted colours. Lots of it, and you’ve turned off you’re light and so some place is dark because of you.Because of your assumptions. If you can’t be happy at the moment it doesn’t mean any other person shouldn’t.
Everyday before you close your eyes, ask yourself, what have I done today, this week, this month? Have I changed a life positively, with my thoughts, words, actions. I’ve I made a positive difference. We’re not perfect so it fine to sometimes, to want to be extra extra careful. But the world is not just about you, I give to beggars when my heart wants to reach out to them. What if the person, was deceiving me. So what? How would you have been sure anyways. Here’s one simple truth, if you where in a position to help someone today. Perhaps mentally, physically, emotionally, psychologically or in whatever way and you don’t. You have wasted life, you have wasted hope, you wasted faith and you probably did change a life, only NOT positively.
I’m writing this to reach out to anyone who might stumble upon this, life is sometimes hard. But it’s harder for some. So touch a life today, stop wasting colours. Hug someone today, tell them they’re beautiful, kiss them on the forehead, a smile can do a lot. If you have a crush on someone, tell he/she. If you like someone tell he/she, if you love someone tell them, there’s no shame in saying it. Don’t expect that they should know, words go a long way.
I will never apologize for who I am, I might not show that in person. We all have fears you know. And that bitch makes us weak. But I want to say just one thing. Never settle if you have the OPPURNITY NOT TO.
Be happy, be thoughtful, drop that pride sometimes, so you don’t loose someone you can never replace, you’re best friend, you’re genuine love. Your heart.
But then you might someday get a chance to love again, to feel alive again ,to live again. If you ever love, like or admire anyone never hesitate to tell them how you feel. Fuck that fear of rejection. Like I said fear is not your friend, neither is he your brother or your companion. Let him go sometimes or he makes you lose what you might never get again. Don’t just let life live through you, live through life itself.
I leave you be….
Words of seamless’may.